I saw an article today about how Adam Sandler is collaborating on a new movie based on … wait for it … Candy Land.
Candy Land? Holy malted milk balls, Batman! Have they lost their everloving minds? How can this produce anything but a poor movie? I suppose they could come at it from a fantasy world angle. But how does Adam Sandler fit in? He’s supposed to star in it. Who’s he going to be? Mr. Mint was retired in 2010 and replaced by the Duke of Swirl. Sandler might be Lord Licorice, King Kandy, or Jolly. No, wait. They gave Jolly the boot in 2010, too. What about Plumpy? Remember him? He’s the one at the very beginning – the one who, if you are unlucky enough to draw his card, can make you lose the game. Apparently he was yanked, as well, replaced by a ginger tree, who was then given the heave-ho a couple of years later in favor of cupcakes. Because being yanked back to the beginning by cupcakes is much better for the fragile psyche of a child. And don’t even get me started on Gloppy. He is no longer a molasses monster, but a chocolate one. [I’m shaking my head in disappointment.] How is chocolate gloppier than molasses? I blame the chocolate lobby. Much more powerful than poor old Grandma.
In the article, it’s also mentioned that someone is making a big screen adaptation of Risk. Risk. Risk? I never won that game. Shoot, I never finished that game. I hated it. Why would I want to see a movie based on it? Hours and hours of boring strategery? (Ha! I love that word, even though it’s totally fake.) Hours and hours of wishing I were somewhere else, doing something that’s actually entertaining. I’d finally get up and yell, “You win, movie! I hate this! I’m going to go do something fun now. Like clean out the cat box.” Then, I’d throw my popcorn at the movie when it said, “Fine. You forfeit. I win.” Then we’d get into a big shouting match with me yelling about how the movie was worse than sitting through a physics lecture, and the movie hollering that I was a bad sport and a loser. Then my mom would come in, tell me to pick up whatever it was that I threw at the movie, and send me to my room. I’d go without argument, relieved that I didn’t have to clean out the cat box, after all.
Ahem. Sorry about that. My younger brother loved Risk.
What other games will Hollywood mine for movie ideas? I admit, Clue was enjoyable. Granted, I saw it when I was in junior high, and I wasn’t as discerning then.
Just a few thoughts here:
- Guess Who – Why would two people be trying to identify each other? Are they trying to locate each other at the beginning of a blind date?
- Twister – It could be like Speed. Twister to the death.
- Chess – Another strategery game that would make a really awful movie.
- Monopoly – This might be interesting, what with the beauty pageants, people going to jail, bankruptcies, and beautiful baby contests. But the penalty money at Free Parking needs to be included to make it a really good movie.
- Chutes & Ladders – The feel-good flick of the year. A young boy climbs his way to success in spite of the chutes he tumbles down now and then in order to build conflict and tension and make it more believable.
- Battleship – Not so much strategery here, more guessing and luck. It could be like Hunt for Red October when the bombs start hitting their marks.
- Mousetrap – Yeah, didn’t Nathan Lane already try that one?
- Cooties – Build-your-own creature of mass destruction.
So what games would you like to see (or not see) as movies?