Every try see-sawing solo? Not easy, especially when you get to the bottom and thunk your hind end against the ground because of your rapid descent. You also don’t get to go as high as you might want, because your ascent is directly proportional to how strong your kick-off is after bruising your tailbone moments earlier.
I’ve been on a mental see-saw with myself this week, and it’s been strange. Remember my post about how I gave Facebook up for Lent last year? At the end of the post I mentioned that I didn’t feel God nudging me to give anything up this year. Well, the night that post went live, as I was praying, I said something like, “Yeah, good thing You didn’t ask me to give anything up this year. Because what would I give up?”
This was asked rhetorically, but answered nonetheless. Want to know what He said? “Your writing.”
What? WHAT? How am I supposed to give that up? I’m trying to build a career here. I’m editing one manuscript, with two more waiting in the wings. I feel an incredible time pressure to get these things done before someone else writes and publishes them. I can’t stop writing my blog posts. I’m posting every day, after all. Every day!
This past Monday, I decided to give the “give up writing for Lent” idea a test drive. I didn’t work on any of the manuscripts, nor did I think about them. I didn’t have a blog post ready to post at 4:00 a.m., either. I wrote one later in the day, though. How did the day go overall? It was good. I wasn’t as stressed.
So back to the see-saw. I’m going back and forth about this decision. Do I pause all my writing for another 38-ish days? Do I pause my “real” writing or just the blog writing (because these words on this screen aren’t real writing, according to the first part of this sentence).
My biggest problem with this decision is myself. I said that I’d post every day in 2012. What does it mean if I don’t post something? There’s not a contest, nor is there a prize. I admit that some of the posts I’ve made in 2012 have been less than stellar, because I felt pressured to POST SOMETHING! Who was pressuring me? Me. I’m always doing things like this. Making a sort-of realistic-sounding goal that turns out to be just beyond what’s realistic. I try my darnedest to stick with it because, by golly, I said I’d do it! but because I rarely reach these goals, I end up feeling depressed, frustrated, and slightly embarrassed, because I usually tell everyone I know what’s going on.
This is one of those situations. I’m at war with myself. Do I muscle forward, pushing through the pain, so to speak, and keep writing, or do I slow things down to a more manageable pace and produce decent stuff? I have argued with myself about this, going up and down on the see saw, but still haven’t come to a decision.
Photo by photo.zombie