Since Hollywood loves to turn movies into books, I thought I’d throw my hat into the ring with my book, “How To Train Your Vampire, Harry Wonka, To Be A Lightning Thief And Not Catch Fire,” or HTTYVHWTBALTANCF for short.
The story opens with our teenage hero, Sunflower, living a miserable life in her new home. Her mean guardian, who is also her second cousin, made her relocate from their comfy home in a sunny, warm place to a new house – a shack, really – in a dreary, cold, rainy place. This new place is
hate her because of a reason we won’t find out until Chapter 13. It doesn’t really matter why they hate her though, because her faulty teenage interpretation of their actions will fuel her loner angst for the whole story. And maybe even for the sequel too, if this book breaks the bestseller list and the movie grosses $350 million worldwide.
One day as she sits
miserable and alone in the lunchroom at school, a creepy stranger approaches her and informs her that she has won a bronze ticket, earning her a berth in the Sorting Games on Mount Olympus. She won’t be in the games herself, but will be training a vampire named Harry Wonka to participate. The trainer of the winner of the games gets to live in a chocolate factory with Johnny Depp. (The winning vampires don’t want to live there because it’s a well-known fact that vampires don’t like chocolate. Or Johnny Depp.) Finally! A way out of her miserable existence!
What Sunflower doesn’t know is that Harry is madly in love with her. So much so, in fact, that he doesn’t even want to eat her. He wants to win the Sorting Games so that she’ll get what her heart desires – chocolate and Johnny Depp. He toils alongside her, never once revealing his true feelings.
As Sunflower and Harry work to figure out how the games work (because it’s a big secret that nobody really knows about anyway), she forms a bond with Justin, the barista down at the local coffee shop. He decides to help her win, despite the fact that victory will mean he will never see her again, and he gives her an ancient book about vampire training. What Sunflower doesn’t know is that Justin is secretly another trainer and has his own vampire. Harry knows, though, and is trying to tell Sunflower, only he has no tongue. I don’t know why. I’ll figure that out later. We get to have chapters and chapters of Sunflower’s whiny teenage introspection about how she wants to win the games because that’ll show everyone who hates her that she’s worthy of their admiration and affection, plus she gets a lifetime supply of chocolate, but she has such deep teenage feelings for Justin, and she doesn’t want to lose him or the free coffee he’s always giving her.
One night she sneaks out
, determined to find the creepy stranger who gave her the bronze ticket to begin with. Amazingly enough, the first place she looks is where she finds him – Wal-Mart. In this environment, she sees him as he really is, half man, half creepy Wal-Mart person, and feels an instant connection with him. Turns out, he’s Edward Jacobs, her long-lost au pair, and he tells her the tragic story of how her parents died one night as a tornado ripped apart their mobile home.
Edward tells her that her parents were demi-gods and they incurred the wrath of Alastor, a minor god on Mount Olympus, because they dared defy him. They made nice and buried the hatched with Great Aunt Matilda, with whom they had disagreed about the naming of their daughter. They wanted to name her Sunflower, and Matilda wanted the baby named after her sister, Hortence. Mom and Dad politely declined, Matilda wrote them out of her will, and they went to live in the mobile home park since she also booted them out of her house. (Why they were living with creepy old Matilda in the first place is a mystery to me.) Anyway, Mom and Dad decided to apologize to Matilda, and this infuriated Alastor, because he’s the god of family feuds, so he pulled some strings with Zephyros (god of the west wind), and a tornado took them out.
Since I’m getting confused by my own book’s plot, I’ll wrap it up now. Harry has to steal a replica of Zeus’s lightning bolt in the games. Sunflower discovers this one day as she is eavesdropping on Justin’s conversation with his “she’s-only-a-friend” Selena. Justin and Selena have no idea that Sunflower is wearing her invisibility skinny jeans, so she follows them around all day and learns all sorts of things, like how Justin is also a trainer and that everyone hates her because of no good reason other than the fact that she’s new. And a redhead.
After this shock, she and Harry get serious about training. He learns how to stop, drop, and roll with super vampire speed to put out any flames from the lightning bolt, and she continues to agonize over Justin vs. chocolate, even though it’s apparent to everyone but her that Justin was only a pity friend.
There’s probably a lot of sparkly vampire stuff going on in the arena, but I’ll leave that up to Hollywood and their CG wizards. The contest comes down to two vampires, Selena and Harry. Everybody’s on the edge of their seats. Who will win? Who will get the lightning bolt? Just as they’re both reaching for the bolt, Harry shouts out, “I love you, Sunflower!” and he and Selena jostle for the bolt. Suddenly, everything goes dark.
The next thing we see is Sunflower, waking up in her own bed. She hears water running and goes to her bathroom where she finds Bobby Ewing, alive, in her shower. Or should she wake up alone on the island in a stand of bamboo, as she watches Oceanic Flight 815 fly overhead before dying?
Whaddaya think? Any additions you’d like to make?