What I Want To Be When The Kids Grow Up

24 Apr

I’ve been a SAHM for 11 years and will continue in this role for the foreseeable future. Baby K is two and won’t go to kindergarten for 3-ish more years. At this moment in time, I’m not feeling any pressure to reenter the workforce, but I’ve been wondering lately where I might work if I do decide to work outside our home again.

My resume isn’t that impressive. I have a degree in history and once upon a time I had a teaching certification, but I don’t want to teach. I don’t even want to substitute teach. Before having kids, I never held a job for longer than a year. Not because I’m flaky and got fired a lot or because I’m flaky and quit, but because we were moving back and forth between the place where Hubs was getting his graduate degrees and here, Scienceville, USA, where he was doing summer work for the degrees.

During those early years of marriage I:

  • worked in the University President’s office (making copies….)
  • was a receptionist at a data mining firm
  • student taught
  • worked at a church’s Mother’s Day Out program
  • worked at that same church’s nursery
  • worked at a daycare’s summer program
  • ran a summer day camp (two summers – it was great!)
  • coordinated our church’s youth ministry
  • ran an after school program

Except the receptionist job, none of these were horrible. I really liked the summer camp and after school program gigs, but I don’t know that I’d want to do that now. I’m too old.

So what do I want to be when the kids grow up? Honestly, my prospects seem bleak-ish if I want to go back to work. There’s nothing that I absolutely LOVE to do and I have a short attention span on top of everything else. Maybe that’s why I like blogging – I enjoy it, and when I get bored, I end the post I’m writing. Or better yet, I delete it.

I just Googled “weird jobs” and (of course) found a list. These are some jobs I’m qualified for:

  • professional sleeper – for medical research or art installations
  • fortune cookie writer – Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
  • safe cracker – if I can get the knots out of my kids’ shoelaces, everything else is child’s play
  • stand-in bridesmaid – I can lend an air of calmness and maturity to a ceremony needing one more warm body in a chartreuse dress. Plus if I’m there, the bride looks even better in comparison.
  • weed farmer – Wait, I’m already doing this for free!
  • furniture tester – only if I can request mattress testing (see my first item on this list)

And here’s the list of jobs I wouldn’t do, even for mucho bucks:

  • odor judge – armpit sniffer
  • hair boiler – standing over a steaming, bubbling vat of animal hair
  • snake milker – they’re the ones who get the venom from the nasty creatures
  • chicken sexer – separate out the boys from the girls
  • vomit collector – they stand by the Tilt-A-Whirl’s exit
  • nasty stunt tester – bugs, creepy crawlies, and other such ickiness

What’s the weirdest job you’ve ever had? What’s the weirdest job you’ve ever heard of? If you returned to work post-kids, what are you doing? If you’re planning on returning, what will you do?


4 Responses to “What I Want To Be When The Kids Grow Up”

  1. Shannon G. April 24, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    This definitely should have contained a warning for those of us who read your blog while eating breakfast. 😉 That last list is downright nasty.

    • That Nolen Chick April 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      Oops. Sorry about that. And I didn’t even mention the poo burner.

  2. Laura April 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    Thanks for the laughs today. I’m hoping that when I re-enter the paying workforce I’ll get to use my Spanish to help the world. I just don’t know if I’ll teach elementary again. Maybe one day. In this moment in time I love the thought of on-site translation to help families. Or teaching really motivated big kids to love Spanish literature and grammar in the way I do. My current pupils (ages 2,4 and 4) tell me to be quiet when I speak Spanish. Super fun. Diego does it and it’s cool. Mommy does it and it’s offensive. Oh well. His gadgets are way cooler. I can’t even figure out how to use 90% of my phone.


  1. A Job About Weird Jobs « that nolen chick - June 6, 2012

    […] job and thought, “Wow! That would be so cool!”…? I just remembered that I wrote this post about weird jobs a couple of months ago. Seems like this is a theme in my life. Maybe I’m […]

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