On the Angsty-Go-Round

27 Apr

angst/aNG(k)st/

Noun:

  1.  A feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.
  2. A feeling of persistent worry about something trivial.

My paraphrase – freaking out about something that’s not that important.

This is where I am today. I have angst about my blog and my writing career (or lack thereof). This morning as I was wandering through the blogosphere, I started feeling that little tug inside that I dread. It’s the one that’s telling me:

I’m not doing enough. I’m not interacting enough with other bloggers. I’m not writing enough. How am I ever going to convince an agent or editor that I have a platform if I’m not doing all this social media stuff? And why am I not working on my manuscript right now? Shame on me.

I guess that if I were to boil those thoughts down to their essence, it would be: I’m not good enough. It’s sister principle is: God is not enough.

As much fun as wallowing in angst is, there’s no place for it in my life. But that’s easier said than dealt with. Every few weeks or so, I get this way. I start worrying that I’m never going to get published. Then I tell myself that this is all a pipe dream and I need to give it up. But then I remember how much I love the manuscript I’m ignoring, and I vow to finish it, if only for myself. I hear inspirational quotes about how hard writing is, how you have to write for yourself, how you should never give up, and it bolsters my resolve to press on.

When I swing back into the un-angsty parts of this cycle, I’m reminded that nothing is impossible for God. He gently tells me that I don’t need to worry about all of those things, but that I need to just follow Him, seek Him, talk with Him. When I do that, things are good. I feel at peace, despite the fact that I’m not networking on other blogs or editing my manuscript.

But then you know what happens? I get distracted. Although I was never diagnosed as a kid, I’m convinced that I have ADHD. Not the hyperactive aspect, but the lack of focus. My thoughts wander from Him. My heart wanders. And I get all angsty again.

Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

I don’t take this to mean that when I delight myself in the Lord He will grant me my wishes. It means when I follow/seek/talk with Him, my heart will be transformed by these encounters with the Almighty and I will long for the things He wants for me. Which may or may not be writing. And I’m ok with that, because I’ll be off the angsty-go-round.

Photo by jayshou

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One Response to “On the Angsty-Go-Round”

  1. savvysassymomme May 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

    Hi! I love your message in this post. It was such an inspiration for me. I want to share with you that I too sometimes have the same sentiments and I know that you and I are not alone. But the wonderful thing about you is your faith. My faith is what guides me everyday and my faith keeps me strong! So, keep your faith, hold onto the Lord’s promises and never forget that Faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). Keep believeing and don’t stop writing. XOXO

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